Sometimes, you know exactly what makes you anxious, and sometimes, you have to power to get rid of it, but sometimes, you have to be brave and let it stay.
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Well isn’t TimeHop just lovely? We’ve always wanted a time machine to be able to go back and relive or change the past, so we invented an app that allows us to see what we posted on social media on this day last year, two years ago, etc. Now obviously this is meant for us to reminisce on the pictures we took in high school, laugh about our young and naïve Facebook statuses, and question what the heck we were even talking about in that tweet, but sometimes you unbury something that wasn’t meant to be exposed.
Yesterday, I was scrolling through and pleasantly remembering that exactly one year ago, a friend of mine and I explored Little Italy downtown, ate too much pasta, splurged on a cannoli, and navigated the streets of Baltimore like pros. As I continued to scroll, I reached the bottom and came across a Facebook status from 5 years ago. Now usually my TimeHop doesn’t go back that far because I wasn’t as frequent a social media user and didn’t have much of anything interesting to say, however, on January 17, 2010, I did. “and as my world crashes and burns around me, I’m forced to stand on the highest and narrowest cliff, isolated, knowing the disaster will reach my little slice of safety because I can’t be safe forever, nothing is perfect, everyone is going to fall off eventually.” Okay, high school self, take it down a notch there. Funny thing is, I remember writing this, I remember posting it, and I remember the feelings that surrounded it very clearly. I’ve always been a writer, and I’ve always admired flowery words and visual metaphors. At the time that of this status, I was 16-years-old, a junior in high school, and currently experiencing my lowest of lows. This was the time when depression had taken me over and swallowed me whole. I was killing myself in AP classes, but my ‘B’ grades were never good enough. I was playing sports, but my performance was never good enough. I had friends who tried to reach out for me, but I was not good enough. Who wasn’t I good enough for? Me. I never lived up to my standards for myself, I could always have done something better and I always felt like I was letting down everyone around me. I’m going to be honest, because we’re all friends here, but suicide was not a foreign thought to me. I never attempted, or even planned to, but the thoughts were there, and it is a very scary feeling when you don’t want to live anymore. According to my status, everything was falling apart, I was alone and facing impending doom. What a tough thing for a 16-year-old girl to be feeling, and here I am 5 years later, and I wish I could tell myself that things would get better. (Maybe we should look into a FutureHop so we can give ourselves advice from the future…) It was saddening to read what I wrote so long ago and be reminded of those feelings, but at the same time, it was also eye-opening. I am in no way going to sit here and say that I have made a full recovery from the mentally sick teen that wrote that Facebook status, because I still struggle with mental illness every day, however, there is a big difference between that girl and this girl. When I was 16, I didn’t admit that I was depressed, I thought it was normal. I didn’t realize that my neuroticism was driving me up onto that narrow cliff. Today, I can say that I’ve accepted and embraced the way that my mind works differently. I know when I fall into my pits of depression, I know when my anxiety is inhibiting me from normal functioning, and I know when I’m being neurotic and irrational (most of the time). I no longer throw around the idea of suicide, but I do still experience days when just being alive is hard enough and breathing is my biggest accomplishment. Although I am not at my lowest point, I also know that I’m not at my highest and there are some things that I am dealing with right now in this season of life. This TimeHop surprise gave me hope though. I have overcome so much since then and while sometimes I still feel like my world is crashing and my slice of safety is disintegrating, I know that I am not going to fall. I am not isolated- I have friends who understand and listen, I have a mother who has learned empathy, and most importantly, I have a God who loves me in more ways than I can ever comprehend and who anchors my soul, and will not let me fall. Nothing is perfect, yes, I was right when I said that, but the good news is that we’re made perfect in our imperfections. Mental illness will forever be a struggle for me, but I’ve become who I am because of it, and I will continue to learn, grow, and recover. Maybe I’ll look back at this in another five years and reflect on my continued progress. Time gives us hope. Hold on. Don’t quit. You’re worth it. You’re good enough. You’re not alone. You have purpose. You are here for a reason. For whatever reason, my entire life, I have been an over-sharer. I will tell you anything if you ask, and sometimes even when you don't. I don't feel shame or embarrassment and I don't hide my secrets. To be honest, I don't know why I'm so open about everything and sometimes I hate it. I'll tell someone something and immediately regret saying it, not because I don't want them to know, but because I feel like I can't just keep things to myself. Don't get me wrong, I can easily keep a friend's secret or successfully execute a surprise, but when it comes to my personal life, it's a free for all.
It's pretty evident here on this blog too. In my bio I tell you I have an anxiety disorder, and I tell you I have depression. Mental illness is not a stigma for me. Everyone knows about it. I'll tell people about my terrible relationship with my father. I'll tell people about my negative views on love and marriage. I'll talk about my past. I'll talk about my hurt. Call it blunt, I guess, but I'll share almost anything. Is this a good thing? Not necessarily. Is it a bad thing? I don't think so. But it is annoying. It makes it harder to connect with people when everyone knows everything about me. It's also harder to understand people who are guarded and closed off about their feelings because, to me, it's not a big deal. But I have to remind myself that not everyone is comfortable sharing their personal lives. It's just me; I am an over-sharer. I'm not looking for pity or empathy when I share my pain either. Believe me, that's the last thing I want. I think that most of the time I talk for the sake of talking. Really, if you just seem like you're listening then I don't expect any thoughtful feedback or advice. To be honest, I think that by sharing, whether verbally or through my writing, I am able to work through things on a personal level a lot easier. Sometimes you cannot simply talk to yourself in your own head and expect to understand what you're saying. My mind is a messy place. So I suppose I have to hear it, or read it, in order to process it. And I apologize if you think I'm being negative all of the time. Gosh, that bothers me so much. I am voicing an opinion or sharing my actual emotions with you, sorry for being real. If you're going to ask me how I'm doing, I'm not going to be that person that says I'm fine, because 9 times out of 10, I'm not fine. I'm an over-sharer, and therefore, I'll over-share how I'm actually doing. So here I am again, over-sharing about over-sharing. As I continue to learn more about myself, I also continue to learn that I like when I can but a label on something. I have learned that, when given the chance, I'll share. Who knows, maybe it'll help someone, or spark a thought, or lead to something new. Cliche tourist photos and selfies in front of iconic attractions are great and all, but here are some tips I learned in London for different types of pictures that will help you remember your time abroad differently. Look Up. We are so used to taking pictures at eye level. We typically capture skylines and silhouettes, but I challenge you to look up when visiting a new place. Check out the architecture, learn the uniqueness of the city, explore from a different angle. I honestly have no clue where this picture was taken, but I can remember the story behind it clearly. We were on a photography excursion for class, and this was during our lunch break. We ate at a nearby café and, while eating outside, I noticed the interesting building art and string of lights connecting to the apartments. This picture allows me to remember unique parts of that day, because it is different from all of the other photos I took. Just look up. Motion. Teach yourself about extended exposure and shutter speed. Learn techniques to capture motion and you’ll remember your trip in a whole new way. Luckily for me, I was taking a photography class in London and was supplied with a tripod and instruction on how to take such a picture, but a street bench and Google will do the same thing. This intersection is not relevant or important, however this picture captures the iconic red, double decker bus in a non-traditional way. When I look at this, I remember the constant bustle of those busses and their movement throughout the city. You can hop on public transportation and see all of London, traveling from one end to the other. Get Close. Don’t be afraid to look silly getting up close and personal with a plant or inanimate object. If it looks cool, take a picture, because those pictures will last forever and there are just some things you don’t want to forget. Photograph signs, flowers, animals, books, food, and your coffee cups. Embrace it! Don’t just take pictures of yourself, but really capture your surroundings. I took this picture at South Bank next to the Thames River at a little farmers market. They were selling plants and flowers and I remember the fragrances filling the air and the shelves of burlap. Yes, I probably looked ridiculous taking this, and no, the plant isn’t even that appealing, but it’s a detail of my day and a pleasant memory of South Bank that now I won’t ever forget. Key Culture. Be creepy, be brave, don’t be subtle. Photograph the locals, their activities, and their culture. You’re in a new place and it’s inevitably going to have some cultural aspects that are different than back home. Embrace it! This photo is another shot from a class project, and my professor asked permission for us to set up tripods across the street. We all thought it was awkward and creepy, but a cool picture came from it. One thing I won’t forget about London is all of the business people gathering around the pubs after work for a casual drink and conversation with a stranger. There is movement, there is laughter, and there are stories. We received some humorous comments from our subjects, but nobody had an issue with a group of Americans capturing a scene that was routine to the locals. This picture encompasses what I learned of London culture. What’s Familiar. Sometimes we forget to take a picture of the things we see every day or that are typical to us. Hotel rooms, rental cars, your morning coffee shop, the view from your window. These are the things that make your trip special and so why not capture them! This is a picture of the incredible floor-to-ceiling windows in our dorm room. Firstly, we were incredibly lucky to even score a triple room accommodation, but then the room ended up being gorgeous, so of course I took a bunch of pictures. This one is my favorite because it shows the amazing window, the light that it would let in, and the exterior of the buildings on that street. I also love that the window is open, because that’s how it remained for the duration of our stay because our room did not have air conditioning, which is typical in Europe. I am also reminded of the fact that, during the time we were in London, they were experiencing an abnormally hot summer and the longest drought they’d had in a few years, another fun tidbit from my trip. Happy Photographing!
I think that there is real difference between death and loss. Usually, when we know someone who has experienced a death of someone close to them we say, “sorry for your loss”, and on one hand, I completely understand why we’d say that, but on the contrary, those two concepts mean two different things to me. I have been fortunate enough to say that I haven’t had to face an extreme amount of deaths thus far in my life. Great grandparents, distance relatives in foreign countries, family friends, and a loyal dog are the extent of the death I’ve seen. None of these impacted me very greatly.
But what do you do when the death that’s affected you the most, doesn’t even feel like death? You see, three summers ago I was volunteering at a Young Life camp in upstate New York called Saranac Village. I was there for the entire month of July, with no cell phone or communication with family back home. Before I left, everything was completely fine, nothing was wrong. During my first week there, I was called to the main office because my mother had called and left a message for me to call her back. That was red flag number one because my mom wouldn’t have contacted me unless it was urgent. My grandfather, my Poppop, was sick. They took him to the hospital and he was diagnosed with liver cancer. He was given a year to live. But he was healthy before I left, how could this be true? A year to live? That’s not enough time. A few days later I got another call. Poppop is getting worse. He’s taking chemo pills but he’s so weak he can barely move or speak. I talked to him. He told me he loved me and that he was proud but I could hear the heartache and the pain in his voice. But the pills were going to work. The doctors said a year. There was time. Another call. Things were looking really bad. Nothing was guaranteed anymore. I was asked to pray over the phone, for Poppop and for the family. That meant so much to me. I hung up the phone and cried. Less than two weeks after the initial phone call, Poppop died. And there I was, nine hours away from home, unable to see him or attend the funeral. I was close with my Poppop. Him and my grandmother are my closest family members. Now he was gone, and I wasn't even there. I was so extremely fortunate to be surrounded by the most incredible people at Saranac as I was processing his death. My best friend was there, and she offered me support as a best friend should. But so many people, people who I knew for two weeks, loved me and cared for me in so many ways. Here I was on a gorgeous lake, surrounded by the beautiful Adirondack mountains, and being embraced by the most considerate friends. My grief was so different, I wasn't heartbroken or numb. God had a plan and, like always, it was marvelous. I wasn’t meant to be home during the progression of my Poppop’s cancer. I didn’t have to see him suffer or become frail. My last hug from him wasn’t one of weakness. My last memory of him wasn’t of death, but of life, and that’s how I’ll always get to remember him. God knew I’d be at Saranac, the most breathtaking place I’ve ever been, and He knew that the people there would love me in the ways that I needed to be loved. I’ve never felt so many people truly care about me as much as I did that month. I felt so strong because of the support I had all around me. So here I am, almost three years later, and I still do not have any closure. I’ve seen his ashes, I’ve been to his veteran memorial, our holiday dinners are one less, and I haven’t heard his joyful, bluegrass, singing, yet he still isn’t gone to me. Poppop isn’t dead. He’s lost. Don’t get me wrong, I know deep down that he is in fact dead and that he’s in a better place and that cancer is the very least of his worries. But how can I be expected to comprehend his passing if when I left for Saranac, he was alive and healthy, but when I returned, he wasn’t there. He was missing. I am not sad when I think about Poppop. I miss him, of course, but I do not feel grief. I know that he’s still with me. I felt him at Saranac, I've felt him in London, I’ve felt him in California, and I’ve felt him here. I been thinking about it so much lately, about how this death is so strange to me. How much one’s reaction, both short and long term, can be drastically different depending on the circumstances and environment. About how much I wish he was still here, but how it also doesn’t feel like he’s even gone. It’s ambiguous. It’s confusing. But it’s beautiful. My first blog, 8 Tips on Cash Register Etiquette, was such a big hit, I thought it'd write a Part Two and release some holidays retail frustration. Enjoy.
1. Don’t Shop in A Bad Mood Really people, if you’re in a bad mood, do not go shopping and ruin the good moods of everyone else. Your grumpy mumbling or sassy comebacks will not make for a pleasant cash register experience. If I ask you if you have a rewards card, that is not the proper time to then ramble on about your bad day or how you just want to go home, because guess what, I’d love to leave too but we can’t always get what we want, can we? I’ll never understand how you all can come shopping for gifts in the most hateful and selfish manner, but then turn around and give those gifts will love and compassion. That’s just messed up. Even if you hate Christmas shopping and are irritated by the mall crowds, there’s no need to take it out on your cashier because I guarantee you that we’re dealing will a lot more holiday bull crap than you are. Just remember shoppers, your part-time cashier is suffering through 35-hour weeks of mall madness, and you have the freedom to escape it at any given time. Come back when you’re feeling better. 2. Don’t Blame Me Let me just tell you up front; it is not my fault that you have to shop, it is not my fault that you are spending money, and it is definitely not my fault when we don’t have the specific item/size/color that you need oh so desperately. Please don’t give the cashier a hard time when you just spent $100+ on a brand name gift – I do not make the prices around here. And don’t make smart remarks like “oh, of course you don’t” or “I should have known you wouldn’t be helpful” when I tell you that we’re out of boxes – I didn’t purposefully give them all away just so you specifically wouldn’t get one. It is not my fault that so-and-so has expensive taste or that you have 34 grandkids to shop for. I do not control prices, sales, inventory, your bank account, or what the other store has (or doesn’t have) in stock. It’ll be the day that pigs fly when customers finally realize that taking out frustration on your helpless cashier will not solve any of your problems. 3. Don’t be Stingy I will never, ever understand the customer who comes into the store, picks out $500 worth of merchandise, comes up to the register, and then asks if they can get a discount because they are “loyal shoppers who have spent so much money in your store”. Um, last time I checked, that is what loyalty cards are for. Oh, but wait, you still refuse to sign up for one because you “get enough emails already”. Well then sorry I’m not sorry when I tell you that you can’t have a discount. And no, you cannot separate your purchase into three separate transactions so that you can use your 25% off of ONE item on three things. Rules are rules, people. The world of retail is cruel, deal with it. It’s great that you want to buy a foosball table and an air hockey table for your kids, but just because you’re getting both does not entitle you to a discount; they’re already on sale. Sure, you can speak to my manager but I promise you that you’re not going to like what she has to say either. This isn’t a flea market, you cannot barter prices. 4. Don’t Make Jerk Comments “This must be a fun time of year for you” “Sick of the holidays yet?” “It’s so great that you’re staying open until eleven for the last minute shoppers.” No, this is the worst time of year. Yes, I’ve been sick of the holidays since November 1st when they put up that stupid, oversized Christmas tree and started playing carols on the radio. And yeah, it’s fantastic that we’re open late, and then get to stay until after midnight to clean up the giant mess that you and your four kids just made in our store, only to turn around and come right back because guess what, we open earlier too. We are all trying really hard to fake smiles and be cheery but when you think that you’re being funny by reminding us of the hell that we face for the entire month of December, then don’t be surprised when I don’t laugh back. Retail workers have no ho, ho, ho, most wonderful time of the year, Buddy the Elf, Christmas joy (and if they do then they’re a rare, rare breed… or have taken happy pills). Hope you have a fantastic Christmas because you’ve sucked all the happiness out of it for me. And don’t tell me to have some holiday spirit. I want you to step behind this counter and do what I do for a day and then try to smile after that. 5. Don’t Complain About the Line If we’re gonna all complain around here, then you might want to pull up a chair and stay a while. You don’t think I know how long the line is? You don’t think I know that you had to wait? You don’t think I know that it would be helpful if we had another cashier working? You just stood there, scrolled through your Facebook and Twitter a few times, and lost all of 5 minutes of your precious day, and then think you have to right to tell me that you’re irritated that the line was too long? I am sorry, friend, but you signed up for this. And I’m pretty sure that it’s the same thing every single year, so it really shouldn’t come as a surprise to you anymore. I am the one working on overdrive trying to move you along as fast as I can because honestly I don’t want you here for any longer than you want to be here. Don’t complain that the person in front of you needs a price check on what they believe is something that should be on sale, because I’d bet you a million dollars that you would do the exact same thing. I also do not think it is remotely funny when I ask you a question and your response is, “no, I’ve already been here long enough, I just want to pay and go.” Yeah, don’t we all, man, don’t we all. It’s also not very amusing when you angrily ask “isn’t any one working around here?” Yes, hi, me, right here! If you don’t want to deal with crowds or a long time, shop earlier or online or something. Jeez. Happy Holidays, ya'll. Usually, when someone begins the process of looking into studying abroad and researching all of the different programs and countries, one of the first thoughts that come to mind is, “well, I’m not sure I feel comfortable traveling to and living in a foreign country alone.” That’s actually completely normal and makes a lot of sense considering that the unknown can be very frightening.
If you talk to anyone who has studied abroad alone, they will tell you that it was one of the best experiences of their lives because they were able to meet new people, make new friends, and form lifelong connections from all over the globe. I encourage you to go alone, to test your limits and learn about who you are while exploring a whole new world full of independence and adventures. However, if you feel more comfortable knowing that you have a familiar face by your side, or if you and your best friend have been planning to go abroad together since you were kids, then by all means, do it! I studied abroad with AIFS during the summer of 2013 with my two very best friends, and it’s been the greatest experience we’ve had together. Nevertheless, there are still some dos and don’ts that I recommend in order to get the most out of your time abroad. DO: Embrace the touristy and cliché together Let’s be honest here, we all see the artsy pictures on Pinterest of a pair of friends candidly laughing next to the Eiffel Tower or pretending to hold up the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Ask someone to take your picture and don’t be afraid to look silly because I promise you that memory will be worth it. Take a million photos. Sightsee. Try new foods. And do it all together! You’ll gain so many great new inside jokes and stories that will only strengthen your friendship! Did my best friends and I all hang outside of a classic London photo booth and make telephone shapes with our fingers? You bet we did! DON’T: Miss out on what you want to do A great aspect of studying abroad is that you’re inevitably going to meet other Americans on your trip, as well as the locals where you’re living. If there is something that you’ve been dying to do, but the friend(s) you came with aren’t interested, do not sacrifice it. Make a new friend who shares that interest and go together! In fact, it’s sometimes easy to miss out on meeting new people if you’re constantly in your tight-knit circle, so I encourage you to make plans with different people, and encourage the friends you came with to do the same. It’s okay to leave the group and explore new things. Make a list before you leave of the things that you don’t want to miss out on, and hold yourself to that. One of my best friends went on the Harry Potter Studio Tour with a few of the other girls in our photography class and she’ll tell you that it was one of her favorite things she did in London. Which then leads me to my next point. DO: Explore on your own You’re in a foreign country, you may not speak the native language, and you aren’t familiar with the area, so obviously use caution and common sense when exploring independently, but don’t miss the chance to do so. Sometimes it’s nice to be alone with your own thoughts instead of constantly doing things with the same people. I attended the Aston Martin Centennial Celebration car show in Kensington Gardens alone and had so much fun. No one was interested in going with me, but I knew I didn’t want to pass it up, so I went anyway. You’re a college student, you’re young, and you’re figuring your life out. Why not do it in a beautiful foreign land? Grab some coffee, take a stroll, find a bench with a nice view, and journal your thoughts. You’ll be amazed at how you see things differently in solidarity. DON’T: Let your friends define your experience Ultimately, this is a once in a lifetime experience and something that is so much more meaningful than the fact that you’re traveling with your besties. Don’t forget to really take in your surroundings and the culture. Define your time there independently from the way that your friends define it. Challenge yourself to discover new things and to change your outlook on the world. Your friends are going back with you to the States, but your time abroad is limited, so don’t leave with regrets. Has anyone ever thought about how our society begins to celebrate the holidays earlier and earlier every single year? I know I’m not the only one out there who thinks it’s absolutely absurd. As a retail worker, beginning signs of the impending “busiest time of the year” do not evoke feelings of joy or generosity. To be honest, it’s quite the opposite. On November 1st, the mall in which I work set up a giant Christmas tree outside of my store, as well as wreaths and lights hanging from the ceiling throughout the interior of the building. I’m sorry, people, but the first of November is way to earlier for holiday cheer.
So, as someone who ponders the motives of why humans do the things they do, I began to wonder what it is that possesses Christmas to begin weeks before Thanksgiving is even over. And this is what I’ve concluded – as a society, we have nothing else to look forward to. Think about that for a second. It’s been stigmatized since your very first holiday season that this is “the most wonderful time of the year”. Growing up, Christmas has always meant spending time with family and receiving the exact gifts you asked for from Santa. Twinkling lights and the smell of pine conjure up warm, fuzzy feelings. It’s inevitable. But what about the rest of the year? Work, school, taxes, responsibilities, and deadlines fill our lives. War, hate, crime, death, violence, and worry is all around. For some reason beyond explanation, Christmas seems to put all of those other things on the backburner. The whole point of the holidays is to spread Christmas cheer, show loved ones that you care, and put a smile on other people’s faces. We make ourselves believe that everything is better during this time of the year. Then why not make Christmas come a little bit early, right? We all could use a bit more joy in our lives. It would be nice to have something to look forward to aside from mortgages and student loans. So, we set up a tree, we start playing Christmas music, and we begin our shopping because it somehow makes our hearts a little happier than they are the rest of the year. Instead of one month of holiday prep, how about two? Clearly, Thanksgiving is irrelevant compared to Christmas so we’ll just bypass the Indian and pilgrim celebration and invite back the fat man in a red suit. As a society, we’ve let ourselves become so unhappy. Our world is full of negativity and strife that brings us down daily. We can’t turn on the television or read the news without something saddening our souls. So we love Christmas. Although I do not personally fall into the category of Santa hat wearing, cookie baking, gift wrapping, “I LOVE CHRISTMAS” type of person (I’m actually more of a Grinch…sorry), I understand where everyone is coming from with the whole early holiday thing. It’s an internal and innate desire for compassion and joyfulness that most people think can only exist during the last few weeks of every year. And I think that it’s really sad that we forget how to extend that generosity and liveliness into the new year and beyond. |
WelcomeI'm Bianca; What I Write About:
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August 2018
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