If I could offer one piece of advice to anyone who uses social media, whether it the younger generation growing up in technology, the older generation introducing themselves to Facebook, or my twenty-somethings generation trying to find themselves in the world, my advice would be this; do not compare your life to the life that others post on the Internet. What you see is not what you get, simple as that. When you really think about it, it is sad that edits, filters, and ‘the right angle’, are what encompasses the pictures we post online and what we share with others.
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“Lay it down, lay it down
Why you holding on so tight Oh, the freedom you will find When you let go, God will take over the fight Oh, just surrender And feel what it’s like to be free again” Those are the words coming through my speakers, and the words that resonated in my head that night. I was driving home from work feeling depressed, anxious, and hopeless. I pulled my hair back, rolled the windows down, and took the long way home. The roads were dark and nothing on the radio was fitting my mood, so I turned on the Christian station and prayed that I could release myself from the funk I was in. Lay It Down by Sanctus Real was the song that played next. I love driving. I find it therapeutic, relaxing, and peaceful. I can sing, I can think, I don’t have to stay in one place. I’ve realized recently that I am able to hear the Lord through music in crazy ways. The words of certain songs have the power to change my mood, inspire me, and give me hope. I am currently in the season of life that feels like a weird limbo. I’ve graduated college, but don’t have a job that uses my degree. I still live at home, my friends are all doing stuff with their lives, and I spend most of my days in bed. I’m also really good at finding all the faults in my life, and that stems from my perfectionism. Growing up, people told me I was a “perfectionist” because I wouldn’t stop until whatever I was doing was perfect. I adopted that character trait and embraced it as a good thing. Now, at 22-years-old, I am beginning to realize that most of my worries actually come from that perfectionism. Every day I strive to be the perfect daughter, friend, employee, student, citizen, and self. I set ridiculously high expectations and if I cannot reach them, then I’ve failed. If someone doesn’t recognize my effort or my accomplishment, then it wasn’t good enough. If I get in trouble, or I upset some body, or I let someone down, then I am not worthy. I am never who I want to be. My anxious thoughts are always reminding me of what I’ve said or done wrong, and that anxiety also makes me believe that others find me as damaged as I see myself. Today is July 6th, and I realized this morning that I forgot to flip my calendar to the next month. It’s an inspirational calendar that I think my mother got me for Christmas and I usually read the quote and think to myself how great it is and then don’t give it a second look the rest of the month. But today, as I turned the page, the page simply read, “You Are Enough”. Yeah, calendar, I know that, it’s basically the epitome of scripture and I obviously know that God loves me despite my sin. But then I really took a step back, a step back from myself. I know that I am enough, but do it believe it? Another song that has been resonating in my brain this week is Drops in the Ocean by Hawk Nelson. It plays almost every time I’m in the car and the lyrics are written as if God is speaking to you. “I want you as you are, not as you ought to be Won’t you lay down your guard and come to me The shame that grips you now is crippling It breaks my heart to see you suffering Cause I am for you, I’m not against you” God sent his one and only son to come and die for my sins, to wash me clean, to make me new. I’ve heard this a thousand and one times. If Jesus was willing to be crucified for a sinner’s sake, if he was willing to be beaten, tortured, and hung just for me to be able to have a relationship with the Father, then how can I ever believe that I am not good enough? So what I could never impress my dad with anything I did? So what I didn’t get into graduate school on my first try? So what someone doesn’t like me, and so what I don’t have my life completely together? Because the real truth is that my God loves me more than I can ever comprehend and he sees past my faults and he says that I am enough. On the days that I am down, with the weight of my thoughts crushing me, I need only remember that the one who has created the earth and the sky and all of the beauty in between, has also created me, and created me in His image at that! So I should also believe that I am enough the way I am, and that perfectionism is a lie and irrelevant compared to the immense joy that fills my heart knowing I am loved by my God. The chorus of the song really encompasses that love in a beautiful way “If you wanna know how far my love can go Just how deep, just how wide. If you wanna see how much you mean to me Looks at my hands, look at my side If you could count the times I’d say you are forgiven It’s more than the drops in the ocean.” So next time I’m feeling sad, lonely, and worthless, I pray that God always finds a way to remind me of how He sees me. I pray that I constantly remember that He is working all things for my good, that He has a plan, and that He will never fail me. “Lay it down, lay it down Why you holding on so tight Oh, the freedom you will find When you let go, God will take over the fight Oh, just surrender And feel what it’s like to be free again.” |
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August 2018
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